I don't normaly bitch and moan about how I feel. For the most of it, I'm used to it, I know nothing but. I reserve bitching and moaning for times like this.
Today I am bitching...
It hurts to breathe - It HURTS to breathe
Yesterday I woke up with sharp pains in my ribcage and shoulder, which made it impossible to take some deeper breath, not deep, just deeper (in other words, I could only take very shallow breathes)
My first thought was "that's what I get for trying to vacuum" - I haven't vacummed in years, but wanted to help around the house, and I was wondering if I pulled a muscle doing it.
So, It HURTS to breathe, and especially to take deep breaths, which I need to do when I'm short of breathe (S.O.B.) - and I get short of breath with simple tasks - simple, normal tasks. So, the only way to resolve this for now - sit, do NOTHING. If I do anything that gets me breathing hard, I'll be in trouble.
I climbed the stairs "too fast" - I was panting to try to catch my breath, but it was these short one second shallow inhales, which wasn't helping, only making the SOB worse. For a moment I thought about calling 911. I was in dire straits.
....so for the first time I got a glimpse at my future. Life with CF.
I thought about an online friend, Pepe, whose pft is 7%, Yes, 7%. To give you an idea, mine is at 40%, yours would be at 100% (or more). Can you imagine only being able to breath 7% of what you do right now? Take that 7% and try to do "normal" activities, like shower, dress or the all encompassing CF coughing. FUCK!
That inevitable day is coming where I will have little lung function left, but need to do BIG life-saving activities, like coughing. That's suffering. I am not afraid to die, but I don't want to suffer.
I couldn't take the deep breaths needed to cough the junk out of my lungs, I couldn't blow my nose, I couldn't even yawn. It HURT to do those things, so I tried not to, but needed to. That's suffering. I hated being so unable to function.
A CF friend brought up the thought that maybe I had a collapsed lung??? I have no idea. If I called my dr, they will tell me to go to the ER, but I HATE going there - it's ruined too many weekends, they don't know my history, and it takes too damned long. People with chronic illnesses HATE ER's, you don't feel safe...you only feel safe with your own medical team.
So, I'm doing the 'wait and see' thing. Today it's a little improved, I can take deeper breaths, and I can almost lay flat without it hurting, which means I can try and sleep in my own bed tonight and not propped up on the couch like last night.
Did I pull muscles, is it a collapsed lung, do I have some huge mucus plugs (a familar thing to those with cf) Am I doing damage by waiting?
Today I am bitching...
It hurts to breathe - It HURTS to breathe
Yesterday I woke up with sharp pains in my ribcage and shoulder, which made it impossible to take some deeper breath, not deep, just deeper (in other words, I could only take very shallow breathes)
My first thought was "that's what I get for trying to vacuum" - I haven't vacummed in years, but wanted to help around the house, and I was wondering if I pulled a muscle doing it.
So, It HURTS to breathe, and especially to take deep breaths, which I need to do when I'm short of breathe (S.O.B.) - and I get short of breath with simple tasks - simple, normal tasks. So, the only way to resolve this for now - sit, do NOTHING. If I do anything that gets me breathing hard, I'll be in trouble.
I climbed the stairs "too fast" - I was panting to try to catch my breath, but it was these short one second shallow inhales, which wasn't helping, only making the SOB worse. For a moment I thought about calling 911. I was in dire straits.
....so for the first time I got a glimpse at my future. Life with CF.
I thought about an online friend, Pepe, whose pft is 7%, Yes, 7%. To give you an idea, mine is at 40%, yours would be at 100% (or more). Can you imagine only being able to breath 7% of what you do right now? Take that 7% and try to do "normal" activities, like shower, dress or the all encompassing CF coughing. FUCK!
That inevitable day is coming where I will have little lung function left, but need to do BIG life-saving activities, like coughing. That's suffering. I am not afraid to die, but I don't want to suffer.
I couldn't take the deep breaths needed to cough the junk out of my lungs, I couldn't blow my nose, I couldn't even yawn. It HURT to do those things, so I tried not to, but needed to. That's suffering. I hated being so unable to function.
A CF friend brought up the thought that maybe I had a collapsed lung??? I have no idea. If I called my dr, they will tell me to go to the ER, but I HATE going there - it's ruined too many weekends, they don't know my history, and it takes too damned long. People with chronic illnesses HATE ER's, you don't feel safe...you only feel safe with your own medical team.
So, I'm doing the 'wait and see' thing. Today it's a little improved, I can take deeper breaths, and I can almost lay flat without it hurting, which means I can try and sleep in my own bed tonight and not propped up on the couch like last night.
Did I pull muscles, is it a collapsed lung, do I have some huge mucus plugs (a familar thing to those with cf) Am I doing damage by waiting?
breathe = life
CF SUCKS - it sucks the life(breath) out of me.
Yesterday for the first time, I felt like a hostage to CF.
This is my bitch, this is my right; this is my life
CF SUCKS - it sucks the life(breath) out of me.
Yesterday for the first time, I felt like a hostage to CF.
This is my bitch, this is my right; this is my life
1 comment:
Sally,
I don't have any wazoo words to say. Sometimes words just seem so inadequate ... This is one of those times...Just know that I care, I care very much...
Gini
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